Self Doubt

Doubting myself was one of my biggest downfalls. I thought the good looking guys were meant for the girls with the flowing hair or uncurved body frame or who were super athletic. Not for me. Not for someone who had ringlets, curves in 5th grade and played sports for the fun of it, not so much the competition. That carried into my school work. I focused on having the right answers but felt a true genius was the bookworm in the shade reading during recess versus me, who running around with my friends. I kept finding reasons for everyone to be successful and be the best - but never for myself.

I had so much to offer but found reasons to cover it up. Mainly the fear of rejection. In 5th grade, we had to write speeches for our graduation. Only three would be chosen. I was a terrific writer and took pride in that. I quickly typed up as much as I could and worked hard on editing it for weeks. Only to find - that the bookworm, the athlete and the "my mom pays for everything for our school" were chosen. Their speeches sounded like something you would hear in a college graduation. All this formal talk for FIFTH GRADERS. My speech would have been great. It was funny and warm - and reflected our 6 years at the school. I felt discouraged sitting in the audience listening to the speeches.

In middle school - I joined the Dance Committee cause I loved school dances and creating themes and ideas. We were asked to design posters to gather ideas - I got my creativeness going and really went to town. The "officers" aka 8th graders were in charge of collecting and critiquing. A girl named Alana took mine. She was in my gym class, very snobby, big nosed, girl. She disliked my poster and made it a point. I felt awkward sitting there, so I put my stuff away and left. I decided I'd go back for maybe one more meeting and just quit the club. I came back the following week and our teacher mediator was there looking through the posters. She took mine out and was so excited. I had scratched my name off the back because I was ashamed of it. She asked whose it was and for whatever reason, I didnt raise my hand. The credit was lost into the air of the room and I felt a very mixed emotion. I was proud that my poster ended up being the best - but, still unhappy.

My first week of High School was when it all changed. I had found out I was allergic to dairy, I had gotten temp braces [only a few months], and had gotten an awful haircut [I had hair past mid back - it was cut to my chin]. I walked in to school unsure of how people would react to me looking so different - being in a whole new school and if I'd even see anyone I knew. I was taking gym that semester. I partnered up with an old friend, Rita. We partnered up for our introductory activity. We were to introduce our partner and explain what we learned about their summer. She went first. She complimented my dramatic weight loss and great looks in front of the whole classroom - she made me feel incredible. I looked down at myself and realized how much I had changed - and how great it felt to embrace it.

From then on - I realized, it's not about what others think. It's how I feel on the inside, its about my dedication and how hard I work for something.

Always & Forever. - C