Dear Jimmy

Dear Jimmy,

In order to put down in words how I feel - I have to remove my emotions and anger from the situation. I want you to see what is going on inside of me. I know my tears and words are getting in the way of you making up your mind, and Im sorry. Just know its because I truly do love you and I want us to work out.

I want to be clear about where I stand. I can go on without you. I can take the unmarked path and not look back, or ever speak your name again. I do not need you to give me happiness. In the past several months, I have been severely cautious near/around you regarding my feelings. This is because you have crushed them in the most intense ways, twice. My entire life I've wanted to be happy with a guy - yet, every guy I've allowed myself to get close with - leaves.

Many people have questioned my intentions and reasoning behind staying with you and forgiving you. The answer was always simple, and obvious. I loved you enough to understand you.

God places people in our lives for certain amounts of time and for varying experiences for reasons - so that they may shape the people we become. Not everyone gets to stay or is worthy of it.

Upon meeting you nearly two years ago - you changed my outlook. I was battling a very unhealthy relationship and struggling to find an escape. You gave me my confidence to strive for someone who deserved my love and treated me in a way a respectable person should.

Our beginning was a very rough and exciting one. We had alot of challenges to overcome - the most important one being the fact that we had to learn from the other, instead of turning away. You and I are very alike, in some good, and bad aspects. It calls for bickering and annoyances.

Quote, "In Spite of their differences, they had one thing in common - they were crazy about each other".

The passion that we share between each other, in and out of bed, is a whirlwind of chaos. Even when we are angry, smiles creep past our face. It excites the other to get under each others skin and make us act out. You enjoy seeing me get all 'RAWR'. It happens! Its fun! [okay not always, sometimes one of us gets offended or super aggravated]

If you turn to me sometime in the next week and say it is over, I will accept it. Last time I cried and begged and pleaded - I will not this time. To me, Ive loved you as much as my heart allowed. I expanded myself as a person being with you. I have proven myself to always be by your side, regardless of the very painful things that have happened. I chose to stay. I chose to keep on trucking. Will I think it is what is best for us? Most likely, no. You've done so much growing in the past two years, its incredible. I feel our changes are because of each other supporting the other.

We've made each other love, cry, scream and laugh. You've been there for me through loss of jobs, friends and almost my parents marriage. I've been there to help bring out your past turmoil, loss of friends, and growth of your personality. You are so passionate about the things I enjoy doing - and same with me for you. It excites me from my inner being to see you play sports or act on stage. Your confidence has shone these past few months.

It will pain me to see you go. I enjoy knowing I have a friend by my side - even if I do have my complaints of barely seeing you or getting your attention. It just means I love you and your company.

If we decide to stay together - I feel as if this should be yet another learning experience. I feel we should both grow even more - and actually allow each other into our own lives. We were attached at the hip before - now its opposite, we are separated in most of what we do. I feel as if we need to learn to have a happy median.

As far as your work status. The only thing I see working - is us moving somewhere cheap and small [aka. home], selling our stuff, and letting you venture into this online business. I will find work - you just need to be patient. Xpose has only slowed down in the past month - and yet you are already fretting. It's almost as if you don't pay attention to everything I've brought for the house or stocked in the cabinets.

This is not going to be easy - it's going to be hard. We'll have to work at it everyday. But, Ill do that. Because I want you, all of you. Your cheesy smile when you do something wrong, your wandering eyes when Im half dressed, Your impulsive ways with money, your strong arms to cuddle with, and your amazing passion when you show me intimacy.

If you want to know what I want from this - then here it is. I want us to stay together - not because otherwise Im in pain. But, because I feel there truly is something special between us. I feel as if a shield gets put up when stronger commitment comes to the table [relationship, marriage, new apt, new puppy - and now, new home]. I feel like you just try to convince yourself - and me, that we aren't working. You say the same thing every single time - and then a week, month, day later - you take it back after you realize your bluff is called. I also want you to FINISH something you start. DIVE into this business and put EVERYTHING you've got into it. Not just phone calls and 2g. Put YOU into it. Let me and others help get you jumpstarted. If you keep pushing people out - you'll only fall harder.

I love you - and I'm here for you, if you let me. Otherwise, I enjoyed the adventure and experience, and won't regret the love and energy I've given you. I respect you and I want you to be happy. I can find my own happiness with or without you - but, I'd rather share it with you, then anyone else.

Forever and Always.

Chanel.