He shoulda put a Ring on it

Now that it's come to a complete close, I can finally write about it. Back in December my boyfriend became my fiance. It was very unexpected - but that's how he is. Very spontaneous and very impulsive. I was in shock when he first proposed. I felt too young and like it was too soon. Then again, who was I to really know?? I said yes and we were going to keep it to ourselves. We figured most people would bring it down or be unhappy. We agreed to tell only a few people. I told my cousin Allison - then my friend Kristine. He told her boyfriend. They all seemed happy. The next day was weird. He decided he wanted to go to dinner and celebrate. It was just going to be us 4. Then, he decided he wanted to tell our whole group of friends. So, we tried to gather as many of them as possible but not all could attend.

The whole day I had spent gathering myself together - trying to find the perfect outfit. Since, my future kids would see these photos and all that good jazz. I found my purple dress that I hadn't worn yet. It worked. I got myself ready super early and sat around...waiting. Two of my girlfriends had shown up...none of the guys were there. My fiance had called saying he would be there in a bit. Kristine kept asking me questions regarding a ring. So I pieced together the fact that he was buying my ring. We left without him. On the way to dinner, my mom called. She asked me if something was wrong with Jim because he had called her. Immediately I gasped! He was going to TELL THEM! OMG! I didn't know what to say or think cause I had already told her I was going to dinner with friends. We hung up and I texted Jimmy - saying my mom had called! She called back later on and said, "Oh, he was just asking about furniture". That made no sense at all to me. I realized, she had already seen him and was covering up. We got lost on the way to the restaurant, ironically driving beside Jimmy. He stepped out of his car and still had his rugged work clothes on. It threw me off.

I am not about what someone looks like or anything but...we were announcing our engagement....he had nothing in his car - nor did anyone else. I was so bummed out. We walked inside and sat down. I felt sick, I had tears in my eyes cause this is not what I wanted. I wanted him dressed nicely, I wanted our parents and family there, I wanted my closer friends there...Nothing felt right. I tried my best to cover it up but it didnt happen. No one really talked with one another. Everyone seemed worried about money. Eventually we ordered and our plates got cleared. The desert platter was on it way over and, the plate was given to Jimmy. A big white napkin was on top. What I thought was a brownie was revealed. It was my box. Jimmy took the box and stood up. My eyes went big. He announced the engagement, got on one knee and proposed. I shut the box. Completely in shock and in awe. I said yes, we kissed, we hugged and I cried. We got lots of hugs - and I was not sure how to react. It felt real but not...

Jim had ordered wine for everyone and big desert platters. We spent quite a bit. We went upstairs for photos and said our goodbyes to everyone. We began the phone calls - first Jim's sister. She screamed and cried and couldnt believe it. She was mad we didnt do it while she was visiting. We called my brother's girlfriend. The news was then leaked to my sister. She was livid I did not call her first. I sent out my mass texts. We arrived at his parents house with lots of hugs and kisses - we had a drink. Took more photos. We went to my parents house. I felt so grown up being engaged. It felt weird being the first one. I got big hugs - Christian's was the best. We went up to see Ivanna and Krystal. She was bitter but she slowly let it go. I showed them the spot I wanted to be married at. We went downstairs for drinks/celebration. Kristine John and Cody came by. It was a late night. We gave toasts and speeches.

Eventually we left to go get Zeke and get some rest.

The next 2 months were a blur of a super drunken new years with our friends and my sister in OC, a trip to Orlando/Miami in January to see my family and celebrate our birthdays, a trip to NYC to see my family & Jenn, blizzards, birthdays and good times. We picked a date, some colors, and other aspects of the wedding.

Then, one night. It all changed.

I had lost my job after our Miami trip. Leaving me with nothing to really do but sit with our dog and go to the gym. He became frustrated with that. We got engagement photos done and he had a change of heart. He suddenly began reflecting on a girl he had a thing for but never got anything from - not even a returned emotion. He shattered my heart and took away all the daze from my eyes. He broke the news to me one night after I had spent 300$ on decorating the place and my parents had come by to help organize. I even got us 400$ living room couches. He barely came out to say hello. He left and didnt come back for hours. All of this became aware to me when he returned. He said, he didnt want us to be together anymore. He wanted me to move out. He wanted to go find this girl [in HI] I was in shock. The only times I had heard of this girl was for 2 reasons - he was the only person he loved beside me [which is beyond pathetic cause he had 1 long term relationship and didnt love her - but loved a girl he knew for 2 months - wow].

The other reason - because people told me the story about how he chased her and flew to the islands to find her, and she had someone else and stood him up. Never returning a call, email, letter - nothing.

I was angry. SO ANGRY. I cried, I pleaded, I asked for answers. I Screamed at him. I told him how much bullshit he was made out of, how tired I was of his mind playing games...our friend came to pick him up to get him to snap out of it. I threw stuff, I cried, and I began packing right away. If he didnt want me, then fine. I was so heartbroken - I couldn't see in front of me or think clearly or make words.

I packed as much as I could til I sat down and tried to figure it all out. Our friend had little luck with helping Jimmy open his eyes. I cried all night. The next morning I began packing more. We didnt speak til that afternoon. He looked at me and asked if we could talk. I opened up to him in a calmer way. We realized why he was losing hope - and we found ways to approach it. He wanted closure with her [so fucking stupid]. I explained to him a similar situation I was in with someone I truly cared about - and how I had just found out he was married and having another child. BUT - I at least had relations and a mutual feeling shared with him. Regardless, it let Jimmy realize I understood. He told me he wanted to call her - he wasnt interested in going there anymore [probably cause I made him feel really stupid and made him realize she probably doesnt care nor remember him].

He left to go to her parents house. Ironically - who lived down the road from the woman we adopted our 2nd dog from. Which now, made sense of why he was thinking about her. They ended up not being home. While he was gone, I did my own research and found her. She had a good body, odd face but was pretty. It sunk my heart down. But, I realized - she wants nothing to do with him. Never did, Never will. I talked with Jim's sister, Kim and some others to gather myself. I kept packing.

My friends were taking me out that night to get away...I finally agreed to it. I did not tell him cause I felt it wasn't his business anymore. He did not want me - then that's just dandy. I got pretty - and he took notice. He asked if it was a guy - looking worried. I said No. He looked so uneasy. I left. I came back home to him playing video games- I had walked in with my friend, her bf, and their guy friend. It made Jim uneasy - he got up and came to sit with us. We said goodbye and I asked him what his problem was, and he said he was jealous. SAD. VERY SAD.

The rest of the week was kinda the same. He kept trying - he'd make me dinner even though I was out, he'd send me sweet messages - I mean, he knew I was halfway out the door because I was so heartbroken.

Now - here we are. Almost 4 months later...And Im doing great. We ended up staying together. We ended up not moving out - but finding a bigger place where we grew up. We kept both dogs - attempted another one and a cat. [no luck] He ended up writing a script about Heather - went back to it a month and a half ago, but did nothing with it. We've become stronger. We are getting rid of the things as I type...which is why I am writing this. It's my closure to that beginning.

We spoke 2 nights ago about the engagement. He explained it was never about that girl. It was about where he was in life when he met her. How confident he was. How unhappy he is with his job choice. He explained to me, that I am the girl who he wants to marry and that never changed. He just wants to be happy with his career and his surroundings - to make himself emotional available.

So - no more pretty rings, no more other girl, no more wedding - No more wondering.

Always & Forever. - C