Monday, May 16, 2011
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Dear Jimmy
Dear Jimmy,
In order to put down in words how I feel - I have to remove my emotions and anger from the situation. I want you to see what is going on inside of me. I know my tears and words are getting in the way of you making up your mind, and Im sorry. Just know its because I truly do love you and I want us to work out.
I want to be clear about where I stand. I can go on without you. I can take the unmarked path and not look back, or ever speak your name again. I do not need you to give me happiness. In the past several months, I have been severely cautious near/around you regarding my feelings. This is because you have crushed them in the most intense ways, twice. My entire life I've wanted to be happy with a guy - yet, every guy I've allowed myself to get close with - leaves.
Many people have questioned my intentions and reasoning behind staying with you and forgiving you. The answer was always simple, and obvious. I loved you enough to understand you.
God places people in our lives for certain amounts of time and for varying experiences for reasons - so that they may shape the people we become. Not everyone gets to stay or is worthy of it.
Upon meeting you nearly two years ago - you changed my outlook. I was battling a very unhealthy relationship and struggling to find an escape. You gave me my confidence to strive for someone who deserved my love and treated me in a way a respectable person should.
Our beginning was a very rough and exciting one. We had alot of challenges to overcome - the most important one being the fact that we had to learn from the other, instead of turning away. You and I are very alike, in some good, and bad aspects. It calls for bickering and annoyances.
Quote, "In Spite of their differences, they had one thing in common - they were crazy about each other".
The passion that we share between each other, in and out of bed, is a whirlwind of chaos. Even when we are angry, smiles creep past our face. It excites the other to get under each others skin and make us act out. You enjoy seeing me get all 'RAWR'. It happens! Its fun! [okay not always, sometimes one of us gets offended or super aggravated]
If you turn to me sometime in the next week and say it is over, I will accept it. Last time I cried and begged and pleaded - I will not this time. To me, Ive loved you as much as my heart allowed. I expanded myself as a person being with you. I have proven myself to always be by your side, regardless of the very painful things that have happened. I chose to stay. I chose to keep on trucking. Will I think it is what is best for us? Most likely, no. You've done so much growing in the past two years, its incredible. I feel our changes are because of each other supporting the other.
We've made each other love, cry, scream and laugh. You've been there for me through loss of jobs, friends and almost my parents marriage. I've been there to help bring out your past turmoil, loss of friends, and growth of your personality. You are so passionate about the things I enjoy doing - and same with me for you. It excites me from my inner being to see you play sports or act on stage. Your confidence has shone these past few months.
It will pain me to see you go. I enjoy knowing I have a friend by my side - even if I do have my complaints of barely seeing you or getting your attention. It just means I love you and your company.
If we decide to stay together - I feel as if this should be yet another learning experience. I feel we should both grow even more - and actually allow each other into our own lives. We were attached at the hip before - now its opposite, we are separated in most of what we do. I feel as if we need to learn to have a happy median.
As far as your work status. The only thing I see working - is us moving somewhere cheap and small [aka. home], selling our stuff, and letting you venture into this online business. I will find work - you just need to be patient. Xpose has only slowed down in the past month - and yet you are already fretting. It's almost as if you don't pay attention to everything I've brought for the house or stocked in the cabinets.
This is not going to be easy - it's going to be hard. We'll have to work at it everyday. But, Ill do that. Because I want you, all of you. Your cheesy smile when you do something wrong, your wandering eyes when Im half dressed, Your impulsive ways with money, your strong arms to cuddle with, and your amazing passion when you show me intimacy.
If you want to know what I want from this - then here it is. I want us to stay together - not because otherwise Im in pain. But, because I feel there truly is something special between us. I feel as if a shield gets put up when stronger commitment comes to the table [relationship, marriage, new apt, new puppy - and now, new home]. I feel like you just try to convince yourself - and me, that we aren't working. You say the same thing every single time - and then a week, month, day later - you take it back after you realize your bluff is called. I also want you to FINISH something you start. DIVE into this business and put EVERYTHING you've got into it. Not just phone calls and 2g. Put YOU into it. Let me and others help get you jumpstarted. If you keep pushing people out - you'll only fall harder.
I love you - and I'm here for you, if you let me. Otherwise, I enjoyed the adventure and experience, and won't regret the love and energy I've given you. I respect you and I want you to be happy. I can find my own happiness with or without you - but, I'd rather share it with you, then anyone else.
Forever and Always.
Chanel.
In order to put down in words how I feel - I have to remove my emotions and anger from the situation. I want you to see what is going on inside of me. I know my tears and words are getting in the way of you making up your mind, and Im sorry. Just know its because I truly do love you and I want us to work out.
I want to be clear about where I stand. I can go on without you. I can take the unmarked path and not look back, or ever speak your name again. I do not need you to give me happiness. In the past several months, I have been severely cautious near/around you regarding my feelings. This is because you have crushed them in the most intense ways, twice. My entire life I've wanted to be happy with a guy - yet, every guy I've allowed myself to get close with - leaves.
Many people have questioned my intentions and reasoning behind staying with you and forgiving you. The answer was always simple, and obvious. I loved you enough to understand you.
God places people in our lives for certain amounts of time and for varying experiences for reasons - so that they may shape the people we become. Not everyone gets to stay or is worthy of it.
Upon meeting you nearly two years ago - you changed my outlook. I was battling a very unhealthy relationship and struggling to find an escape. You gave me my confidence to strive for someone who deserved my love and treated me in a way a respectable person should.
Our beginning was a very rough and exciting one. We had alot of challenges to overcome - the most important one being the fact that we had to learn from the other, instead of turning away. You and I are very alike, in some good, and bad aspects. It calls for bickering and annoyances.
Quote, "In Spite of their differences, they had one thing in common - they were crazy about each other".
The passion that we share between each other, in and out of bed, is a whirlwind of chaos. Even when we are angry, smiles creep past our face. It excites the other to get under each others skin and make us act out. You enjoy seeing me get all 'RAWR'. It happens! Its fun! [okay not always, sometimes one of us gets offended or super aggravated]
If you turn to me sometime in the next week and say it is over, I will accept it. Last time I cried and begged and pleaded - I will not this time. To me, Ive loved you as much as my heart allowed. I expanded myself as a person being with you. I have proven myself to always be by your side, regardless of the very painful things that have happened. I chose to stay. I chose to keep on trucking. Will I think it is what is best for us? Most likely, no. You've done so much growing in the past two years, its incredible. I feel our changes are because of each other supporting the other.
We've made each other love, cry, scream and laugh. You've been there for me through loss of jobs, friends and almost my parents marriage. I've been there to help bring out your past turmoil, loss of friends, and growth of your personality. You are so passionate about the things I enjoy doing - and same with me for you. It excites me from my inner being to see you play sports or act on stage. Your confidence has shone these past few months.
It will pain me to see you go. I enjoy knowing I have a friend by my side - even if I do have my complaints of barely seeing you or getting your attention. It just means I love you and your company.
If we decide to stay together - I feel as if this should be yet another learning experience. I feel we should both grow even more - and actually allow each other into our own lives. We were attached at the hip before - now its opposite, we are separated in most of what we do. I feel as if we need to learn to have a happy median.
As far as your work status. The only thing I see working - is us moving somewhere cheap and small [aka. home], selling our stuff, and letting you venture into this online business. I will find work - you just need to be patient. Xpose has only slowed down in the past month - and yet you are already fretting. It's almost as if you don't pay attention to everything I've brought for the house or stocked in the cabinets.
This is not going to be easy - it's going to be hard. We'll have to work at it everyday. But, Ill do that. Because I want you, all of you. Your cheesy smile when you do something wrong, your wandering eyes when Im half dressed, Your impulsive ways with money, your strong arms to cuddle with, and your amazing passion when you show me intimacy.
If you want to know what I want from this - then here it is. I want us to stay together - not because otherwise Im in pain. But, because I feel there truly is something special between us. I feel as if a shield gets put up when stronger commitment comes to the table [relationship, marriage, new apt, new puppy - and now, new home]. I feel like you just try to convince yourself - and me, that we aren't working. You say the same thing every single time - and then a week, month, day later - you take it back after you realize your bluff is called. I also want you to FINISH something you start. DIVE into this business and put EVERYTHING you've got into it. Not just phone calls and 2g. Put YOU into it. Let me and others help get you jumpstarted. If you keep pushing people out - you'll only fall harder.
I love you - and I'm here for you, if you let me. Otherwise, I enjoyed the adventure and experience, and won't regret the love and energy I've given you. I respect you and I want you to be happy. I can find my own happiness with or without you - but, I'd rather share it with you, then anyone else.
Forever and Always.
Chanel.
Friday, June 4, 2010
He shoulda put a Ring on it
Now that it's come to a complete close, I can finally write about it. Back in December my boyfriend became my fiance. It was very unexpected - but that's how he is. Very spontaneous and very impulsive. I was in shock when he first proposed. I felt too young and like it was too soon. Then again, who was I to really know?? I said yes and we were going to keep it to ourselves. We figured most people would bring it down or be unhappy. We agreed to tell only a few people. I told my cousin Allison - then my friend Kristine. He told her boyfriend. They all seemed happy. The next day was weird. He decided he wanted to go to dinner and celebrate. It was just going to be us 4. Then, he decided he wanted to tell our whole group of friends. So, we tried to gather as many of them as possible but not all could attend.
The whole day I had spent gathering myself together - trying to find the perfect outfit. Since, my future kids would see these photos and all that good jazz. I found my purple dress that I hadn't worn yet. It worked. I got myself ready super early and sat around...waiting. Two of my girlfriends had shown up...none of the guys were there. My fiance had called saying he would be there in a bit. Kristine kept asking me questions regarding a ring. So I pieced together the fact that he was buying my ring. We left without him. On the way to dinner, my mom called. She asked me if something was wrong with Jim because he had called her. Immediately I gasped! He was going to TELL THEM! OMG! I didn't know what to say or think cause I had already told her I was going to dinner with friends. We hung up and I texted Jimmy - saying my mom had called! She called back later on and said, "Oh, he was just asking about furniture". That made no sense at all to me. I realized, she had already seen him and was covering up. We got lost on the way to the restaurant, ironically driving beside Jimmy. He stepped out of his car and still had his rugged work clothes on. It threw me off.
I am not about what someone looks like or anything but...we were announcing our engagement....he had nothing in his car - nor did anyone else. I was so bummed out. We walked inside and sat down. I felt sick, I had tears in my eyes cause this is not what I wanted. I wanted him dressed nicely, I wanted our parents and family there, I wanted my closer friends there...Nothing felt right. I tried my best to cover it up but it didnt happen. No one really talked with one another. Everyone seemed worried about money. Eventually we ordered and our plates got cleared. The desert platter was on it way over and, the plate was given to Jimmy. A big white napkin was on top. What I thought was a brownie was revealed. It was my box. Jimmy took the box and stood up. My eyes went big. He announced the engagement, got on one knee and proposed. I shut the box. Completely in shock and in awe. I said yes, we kissed, we hugged and I cried. We got lots of hugs - and I was not sure how to react. It felt real but not...
Jim had ordered wine for everyone and big desert platters. We spent quite a bit. We went upstairs for photos and said our goodbyes to everyone. We began the phone calls - first Jim's sister. She screamed and cried and couldnt believe it. She was mad we didnt do it while she was visiting. We called my brother's girlfriend. The news was then leaked to my sister. She was livid I did not call her first. I sent out my mass texts. We arrived at his parents house with lots of hugs and kisses - we had a drink. Took more photos. We went to my parents house. I felt so grown up being engaged. It felt weird being the first one. I got big hugs - Christian's was the best. We went up to see Ivanna and Krystal. She was bitter but she slowly let it go. I showed them the spot I wanted to be married at. We went downstairs for drinks/celebration. Kristine John and Cody came by. It was a late night. We gave toasts and speeches.
Eventually we left to go get Zeke and get some rest.
The next 2 months were a blur of a super drunken new years with our friends and my sister in OC, a trip to Orlando/Miami in January to see my family and celebrate our birthdays, a trip to NYC to see my family & Jenn, blizzards, birthdays and good times. We picked a date, some colors, and other aspects of the wedding.
Then, one night. It all changed.
I had lost my job after our Miami trip. Leaving me with nothing to really do but sit with our dog and go to the gym. He became frustrated with that. We got engagement photos done and he had a change of heart. He suddenly began reflecting on a girl he had a thing for but never got anything from - not even a returned emotion. He shattered my heart and took away all the daze from my eyes. He broke the news to me one night after I had spent 300$ on decorating the place and my parents had come by to help organize. I even got us 400$ living room couches. He barely came out to say hello. He left and didnt come back for hours. All of this became aware to me when he returned. He said, he didnt want us to be together anymore. He wanted me to move out. He wanted to go find this girl [in HI] I was in shock. The only times I had heard of this girl was for 2 reasons - he was the only person he loved beside me [which is beyond pathetic cause he had 1 long term relationship and didnt love her - but loved a girl he knew for 2 months - wow].
The other reason - because people told me the story about how he chased her and flew to the islands to find her, and she had someone else and stood him up. Never returning a call, email, letter - nothing.
I was angry. SO ANGRY. I cried, I pleaded, I asked for answers. I Screamed at him. I told him how much bullshit he was made out of, how tired I was of his mind playing games...our friend came to pick him up to get him to snap out of it. I threw stuff, I cried, and I began packing right away. If he didnt want me, then fine. I was so heartbroken - I couldn't see in front of me or think clearly or make words.
I packed as much as I could til I sat down and tried to figure it all out. Our friend had little luck with helping Jimmy open his eyes. I cried all night. The next morning I began packing more. We didnt speak til that afternoon. He looked at me and asked if we could talk. I opened up to him in a calmer way. We realized why he was losing hope - and we found ways to approach it. He wanted closure with her [so fucking stupid]. I explained to him a similar situation I was in with someone I truly cared about - and how I had just found out he was married and having another child. BUT - I at least had relations and a mutual feeling shared with him. Regardless, it let Jimmy realize I understood. He told me he wanted to call her - he wasnt interested in going there anymore [probably cause I made him feel really stupid and made him realize she probably doesnt care nor remember him].
He left to go to her parents house. Ironically - who lived down the road from the woman we adopted our 2nd dog from. Which now, made sense of why he was thinking about her. They ended up not being home. While he was gone, I did my own research and found her. She had a good body, odd face but was pretty. It sunk my heart down. But, I realized - she wants nothing to do with him. Never did, Never will. I talked with Jim's sister, Kim and some others to gather myself. I kept packing.
My friends were taking me out that night to get away...I finally agreed to it. I did not tell him cause I felt it wasn't his business anymore. He did not want me - then that's just dandy. I got pretty - and he took notice. He asked if it was a guy - looking worried. I said No. He looked so uneasy. I left. I came back home to him playing video games- I had walked in with my friend, her bf, and their guy friend. It made Jim uneasy - he got up and came to sit with us. We said goodbye and I asked him what his problem was, and he said he was jealous. SAD. VERY SAD.
The rest of the week was kinda the same. He kept trying - he'd make me dinner even though I was out, he'd send me sweet messages - I mean, he knew I was halfway out the door because I was so heartbroken.
Now - here we are. Almost 4 months later...And Im doing great. We ended up staying together. We ended up not moving out - but finding a bigger place where we grew up. We kept both dogs - attempted another one and a cat. [no luck] He ended up writing a script about Heather - went back to it a month and a half ago, but did nothing with it. We've become stronger. We are getting rid of the things as I type...which is why I am writing this. It's my closure to that beginning.
We spoke 2 nights ago about the engagement. He explained it was never about that girl. It was about where he was in life when he met her. How confident he was. How unhappy he is with his job choice. He explained to me, that I am the girl who he wants to marry and that never changed. He just wants to be happy with his career and his surroundings - to make himself emotional available.
So - no more pretty rings, no more other girl, no more wedding - No more wondering.
Always & Forever. - C
The whole day I had spent gathering myself together - trying to find the perfect outfit. Since, my future kids would see these photos and all that good jazz. I found my purple dress that I hadn't worn yet. It worked. I got myself ready super early and sat around...waiting. Two of my girlfriends had shown up...none of the guys were there. My fiance had called saying he would be there in a bit. Kristine kept asking me questions regarding a ring. So I pieced together the fact that he was buying my ring. We left without him. On the way to dinner, my mom called. She asked me if something was wrong with Jim because he had called her. Immediately I gasped! He was going to TELL THEM! OMG! I didn't know what to say or think cause I had already told her I was going to dinner with friends. We hung up and I texted Jimmy - saying my mom had called! She called back later on and said, "Oh, he was just asking about furniture". That made no sense at all to me. I realized, she had already seen him and was covering up. We got lost on the way to the restaurant, ironically driving beside Jimmy. He stepped out of his car and still had his rugged work clothes on. It threw me off.
I am not about what someone looks like or anything but...we were announcing our engagement....he had nothing in his car - nor did anyone else. I was so bummed out. We walked inside and sat down. I felt sick, I had tears in my eyes cause this is not what I wanted. I wanted him dressed nicely, I wanted our parents and family there, I wanted my closer friends there...Nothing felt right. I tried my best to cover it up but it didnt happen. No one really talked with one another. Everyone seemed worried about money. Eventually we ordered and our plates got cleared. The desert platter was on it way over and, the plate was given to Jimmy. A big white napkin was on top. What I thought was a brownie was revealed. It was my box. Jimmy took the box and stood up. My eyes went big. He announced the engagement, got on one knee and proposed. I shut the box. Completely in shock and in awe. I said yes, we kissed, we hugged and I cried. We got lots of hugs - and I was not sure how to react. It felt real but not...
Jim had ordered wine for everyone and big desert platters. We spent quite a bit. We went upstairs for photos and said our goodbyes to everyone. We began the phone calls - first Jim's sister. She screamed and cried and couldnt believe it. She was mad we didnt do it while she was visiting. We called my brother's girlfriend. The news was then leaked to my sister. She was livid I did not call her first. I sent out my mass texts. We arrived at his parents house with lots of hugs and kisses - we had a drink. Took more photos. We went to my parents house. I felt so grown up being engaged. It felt weird being the first one. I got big hugs - Christian's was the best. We went up to see Ivanna and Krystal. She was bitter but she slowly let it go. I showed them the spot I wanted to be married at. We went downstairs for drinks/celebration. Kristine John and Cody came by. It was a late night. We gave toasts and speeches.
Eventually we left to go get Zeke and get some rest.
The next 2 months were a blur of a super drunken new years with our friends and my sister in OC, a trip to Orlando/Miami in January to see my family and celebrate our birthdays, a trip to NYC to see my family & Jenn, blizzards, birthdays and good times. We picked a date, some colors, and other aspects of the wedding.
Then, one night. It all changed.
I had lost my job after our Miami trip. Leaving me with nothing to really do but sit with our dog and go to the gym. He became frustrated with that. We got engagement photos done and he had a change of heart. He suddenly began reflecting on a girl he had a thing for but never got anything from - not even a returned emotion. He shattered my heart and took away all the daze from my eyes. He broke the news to me one night after I had spent 300$ on decorating the place and my parents had come by to help organize. I even got us 400$ living room couches. He barely came out to say hello. He left and didnt come back for hours. All of this became aware to me when he returned. He said, he didnt want us to be together anymore. He wanted me to move out. He wanted to go find this girl [in HI] I was in shock. The only times I had heard of this girl was for 2 reasons - he was the only person he loved beside me [which is beyond pathetic cause he had 1 long term relationship and didnt love her - but loved a girl he knew for 2 months - wow].
The other reason - because people told me the story about how he chased her and flew to the islands to find her, and she had someone else and stood him up. Never returning a call, email, letter - nothing.
I was angry. SO ANGRY. I cried, I pleaded, I asked for answers. I Screamed at him. I told him how much bullshit he was made out of, how tired I was of his mind playing games...our friend came to pick him up to get him to snap out of it. I threw stuff, I cried, and I began packing right away. If he didnt want me, then fine. I was so heartbroken - I couldn't see in front of me or think clearly or make words.
I packed as much as I could til I sat down and tried to figure it all out. Our friend had little luck with helping Jimmy open his eyes. I cried all night. The next morning I began packing more. We didnt speak til that afternoon. He looked at me and asked if we could talk. I opened up to him in a calmer way. We realized why he was losing hope - and we found ways to approach it. He wanted closure with her [so fucking stupid]. I explained to him a similar situation I was in with someone I truly cared about - and how I had just found out he was married and having another child. BUT - I at least had relations and a mutual feeling shared with him. Regardless, it let Jimmy realize I understood. He told me he wanted to call her - he wasnt interested in going there anymore [probably cause I made him feel really stupid and made him realize she probably doesnt care nor remember him].
He left to go to her parents house. Ironically - who lived down the road from the woman we adopted our 2nd dog from. Which now, made sense of why he was thinking about her. They ended up not being home. While he was gone, I did my own research and found her. She had a good body, odd face but was pretty. It sunk my heart down. But, I realized - she wants nothing to do with him. Never did, Never will. I talked with Jim's sister, Kim and some others to gather myself. I kept packing.
My friends were taking me out that night to get away...I finally agreed to it. I did not tell him cause I felt it wasn't his business anymore. He did not want me - then that's just dandy. I got pretty - and he took notice. He asked if it was a guy - looking worried. I said No. He looked so uneasy. I left. I came back home to him playing video games- I had walked in with my friend, her bf, and their guy friend. It made Jim uneasy - he got up and came to sit with us. We said goodbye and I asked him what his problem was, and he said he was jealous. SAD. VERY SAD.
The rest of the week was kinda the same. He kept trying - he'd make me dinner even though I was out, he'd send me sweet messages - I mean, he knew I was halfway out the door because I was so heartbroken.
Now - here we are. Almost 4 months later...And Im doing great. We ended up staying together. We ended up not moving out - but finding a bigger place where we grew up. We kept both dogs - attempted another one and a cat. [no luck] He ended up writing a script about Heather - went back to it a month and a half ago, but did nothing with it. We've become stronger. We are getting rid of the things as I type...which is why I am writing this. It's my closure to that beginning.
We spoke 2 nights ago about the engagement. He explained it was never about that girl. It was about where he was in life when he met her. How confident he was. How unhappy he is with his job choice. He explained to me, that I am the girl who he wants to marry and that never changed. He just wants to be happy with his career and his surroundings - to make himself emotional available.
So - no more pretty rings, no more other girl, no more wedding - No more wondering.
Always & Forever. - C
Haters make us Stronger
How many times has someone given you that look basically saying, "your idea is crazy" or "thatll never happen"? It usually makes us want to work harder but also, gives us reasons to not try and accomplish something.
This has happened far too often in my life. Modeling was one of the biggest. When I began modeling, it was a fluke. My friend had begun doing it herself and the photographer seemed interested in booking me as well. Within a month, I decided to go for it. I began prepping myself for it, unsure of how I would do. I didn't tell anyone but my boyfriend that I had a shoot going on - thats because I took him with me. He took off of work - cause he had a dentist appointment, and drove with me at 5am for the photoshoot. I was pretty nervous. We arrived and met Greg Pascarelli [a nationwide photographer] We slowly eased into the photoshoot, posing on rocks and by the water near the Naval Academy Bridge. We ended up shooting for about 3 hours and grabbed breakfast at Double T Diner.
From then on - I made myself modeling pages/accounts, posted my shoot, and got a flood of emails/offers from various photographers. I joined the gym and got my size 5/7 self down to a 2. I still had curves but I was slim. I worked hard on designing cool outfits, changing out my looks with makeup [Thanks to my then boyfriend who had provided me with support], and began traveling to locations.
Although my potential for becoming a successful model was increasing - the amount of jealousy around me was spiking as well. The friend who had originally begun modeling was in complete envy. She took it to the realms of messaging certain photographers and asking them not to shoot with me. Putting down my looks and body - not realizing how much I had lost and how quickly I was learning about the business.
Soon my sites were blowing up - I had fans making my photos into cool banners/signs and artwork, I was invited to events, offered to be body painted, posed on bikes and wear clothing from various companies. I had also thrown photoshoots onto Facebook for friends/family to view.
Most compliments were great. Others were judgmental or smart ass remarks. It did not bring me down - instead, it made me work harder. I was busy with 3-4 photoshoots a weekend, I had loaded up on Sephora and Mac makeup, and I was working it.
I enjoyed modeling for what it was. A chance to play a role in a captured image. I love photography, I love getting dressed up and I love being in photos. Modeling gave me the opportunity to make new relationships, be proud of who I am and what I look like and realize who really wasn't there for me, but themselves.
I was never told by a photographer I did not have what it takes to be a model - instead I was given compliments on my skintone, my blemish free face, my white eyes [no stress veins], my drive, and so forth. But yet, from the people who mattered - I was told - you wont make it far, you arent meant to be a model, and so on.
Well here's a nice big **** you! Cause I did it. I became an awesome model, I was recognized by various sites, I did over 120 photoshoots, I have over 1000 photos of myself and I made great friends through it. I even made money.
I stopped full time modeling because I stretched myself thin in all my areas of living - family, friends, my boyfriend, school and work. I had put so much time into everything - I was having 24 hour days go by and barely sleep. I was staying in a bad relationship cause I was too busy to realize I needed to get out of it. I was getting bitter/tired cause all I did was watch what I ate and worked out for 2 hours or more a day. I finally gave in - traveled, spent time with friends, made new ones, and kept finding better things.
You can do anything you want to - once you learn to tune out the a__holes.
Always & Forever. - C
This has happened far too often in my life. Modeling was one of the biggest. When I began modeling, it was a fluke. My friend had begun doing it herself and the photographer seemed interested in booking me as well. Within a month, I decided to go for it. I began prepping myself for it, unsure of how I would do. I didn't tell anyone but my boyfriend that I had a shoot going on - thats because I took him with me. He took off of work - cause he had a dentist appointment, and drove with me at 5am for the photoshoot. I was pretty nervous. We arrived and met Greg Pascarelli [a nationwide photographer] We slowly eased into the photoshoot, posing on rocks and by the water near the Naval Academy Bridge. We ended up shooting for about 3 hours and grabbed breakfast at Double T Diner.
From then on - I made myself modeling pages/accounts, posted my shoot, and got a flood of emails/offers from various photographers. I joined the gym and got my size 5/7 self down to a 2. I still had curves but I was slim. I worked hard on designing cool outfits, changing out my looks with makeup [Thanks to my then boyfriend who had provided me with support], and began traveling to locations.
Although my potential for becoming a successful model was increasing - the amount of jealousy around me was spiking as well. The friend who had originally begun modeling was in complete envy. She took it to the realms of messaging certain photographers and asking them not to shoot with me. Putting down my looks and body - not realizing how much I had lost and how quickly I was learning about the business.
Soon my sites were blowing up - I had fans making my photos into cool banners/signs and artwork, I was invited to events, offered to be body painted, posed on bikes and wear clothing from various companies. I had also thrown photoshoots onto Facebook for friends/family to view.
Most compliments were great. Others were judgmental or smart ass remarks. It did not bring me down - instead, it made me work harder. I was busy with 3-4 photoshoots a weekend, I had loaded up on Sephora and Mac makeup, and I was working it.
I enjoyed modeling for what it was. A chance to play a role in a captured image. I love photography, I love getting dressed up and I love being in photos. Modeling gave me the opportunity to make new relationships, be proud of who I am and what I look like and realize who really wasn't there for me, but themselves.
I was never told by a photographer I did not have what it takes to be a model - instead I was given compliments on my skintone, my blemish free face, my white eyes [no stress veins], my drive, and so forth. But yet, from the people who mattered - I was told - you wont make it far, you arent meant to be a model, and so on.
Well here's a nice big **** you! Cause I did it. I became an awesome model, I was recognized by various sites, I did over 120 photoshoots, I have over 1000 photos of myself and I made great friends through it. I even made money.
I stopped full time modeling because I stretched myself thin in all my areas of living - family, friends, my boyfriend, school and work. I had put so much time into everything - I was having 24 hour days go by and barely sleep. I was staying in a bad relationship cause I was too busy to realize I needed to get out of it. I was getting bitter/tired cause all I did was watch what I ate and worked out for 2 hours or more a day. I finally gave in - traveled, spent time with friends, made new ones, and kept finding better things.
You can do anything you want to - once you learn to tune out the a__holes.
Always & Forever. - C
Self Doubt
Doubting myself was one of my biggest downfalls. I thought the good looking guys were meant for the girls with the flowing hair or uncurved body frame or who were super athletic. Not for me. Not for someone who had ringlets, curves in 5th grade and played sports for the fun of it, not so much the competition. That carried into my school work. I focused on having the right answers but felt a true genius was the bookworm in the shade reading during recess versus me, who running around with my friends. I kept finding reasons for everyone to be successful and be the best - but never for myself.
I had so much to offer but found reasons to cover it up. Mainly the fear of rejection. In 5th grade, we had to write speeches for our graduation. Only three would be chosen. I was a terrific writer and took pride in that. I quickly typed up as much as I could and worked hard on editing it for weeks. Only to find - that the bookworm, the athlete and the "my mom pays for everything for our school" were chosen. Their speeches sounded like something you would hear in a college graduation. All this formal talk for FIFTH GRADERS. My speech would have been great. It was funny and warm - and reflected our 6 years at the school. I felt discouraged sitting in the audience listening to the speeches.
In middle school - I joined the Dance Committee cause I loved school dances and creating themes and ideas. We were asked to design posters to gather ideas - I got my creativeness going and really went to town. The "officers" aka 8th graders were in charge of collecting and critiquing. A girl named Alana took mine. She was in my gym class, very snobby, big nosed, girl. She disliked my poster and made it a point. I felt awkward sitting there, so I put my stuff away and left. I decided I'd go back for maybe one more meeting and just quit the club. I came back the following week and our teacher mediator was there looking through the posters. She took mine out and was so excited. I had scratched my name off the back because I was ashamed of it. She asked whose it was and for whatever reason, I didnt raise my hand. The credit was lost into the air of the room and I felt a very mixed emotion. I was proud that my poster ended up being the best - but, still unhappy.
My first week of High School was when it all changed. I had found out I was allergic to dairy, I had gotten temp braces [only a few months], and had gotten an awful haircut [I had hair past mid back - it was cut to my chin]. I walked in to school unsure of how people would react to me looking so different - being in a whole new school and if I'd even see anyone I knew. I was taking gym that semester. I partnered up with an old friend, Rita. We partnered up for our introductory activity. We were to introduce our partner and explain what we learned about their summer. She went first. She complimented my dramatic weight loss and great looks in front of the whole classroom - she made me feel incredible. I looked down at myself and realized how much I had changed - and how great it felt to embrace it.
From then on - I realized, it's not about what others think. It's how I feel on the inside, its about my dedication and how hard I work for something.
Always & Forever. - C
I had so much to offer but found reasons to cover it up. Mainly the fear of rejection. In 5th grade, we had to write speeches for our graduation. Only three would be chosen. I was a terrific writer and took pride in that. I quickly typed up as much as I could and worked hard on editing it for weeks. Only to find - that the bookworm, the athlete and the "my mom pays for everything for our school" were chosen. Their speeches sounded like something you would hear in a college graduation. All this formal talk for FIFTH GRADERS. My speech would have been great. It was funny and warm - and reflected our 6 years at the school. I felt discouraged sitting in the audience listening to the speeches.
In middle school - I joined the Dance Committee cause I loved school dances and creating themes and ideas. We were asked to design posters to gather ideas - I got my creativeness going and really went to town. The "officers" aka 8th graders were in charge of collecting and critiquing. A girl named Alana took mine. She was in my gym class, very snobby, big nosed, girl. She disliked my poster and made it a point. I felt awkward sitting there, so I put my stuff away and left. I decided I'd go back for maybe one more meeting and just quit the club. I came back the following week and our teacher mediator was there looking through the posters. She took mine out and was so excited. I had scratched my name off the back because I was ashamed of it. She asked whose it was and for whatever reason, I didnt raise my hand. The credit was lost into the air of the room and I felt a very mixed emotion. I was proud that my poster ended up being the best - but, still unhappy.
My first week of High School was when it all changed. I had found out I was allergic to dairy, I had gotten temp braces [only a few months], and had gotten an awful haircut [I had hair past mid back - it was cut to my chin]. I walked in to school unsure of how people would react to me looking so different - being in a whole new school and if I'd even see anyone I knew. I was taking gym that semester. I partnered up with an old friend, Rita. We partnered up for our introductory activity. We were to introduce our partner and explain what we learned about their summer. She went first. She complimented my dramatic weight loss and great looks in front of the whole classroom - she made me feel incredible. I looked down at myself and realized how much I had changed - and how great it felt to embrace it.
From then on - I realized, it's not about what others think. It's how I feel on the inside, its about my dedication and how hard I work for something.
Always & Forever. - C
My Finger Paint
Ever woken up and decided today was the day? Today was the day to change it all. To be who you always wanted to be, got yourself completely hyped up and then let it all slowly fall back through your finger tips? Don't feel ashamed, it's nearly everyone who goes through that once in awhile.
Except, me. I decided to make my changes years ago. I decided life was not meant to be taken from the backseat of someone's path. It came from leaving the life I knew and realizing, it would never be the same.
It's the scariest thing to realize how real the world is. How ugly and brutal people can become. The choice becomes yours - swallow away in pity or live out loud.
This blog is to show you my ways of living out loud - and giving advice along the way.
My motto: When I meet God - I don't want him to be disappointed in me for the things I didn't do. He gave me the gift of great health, lots of creativity, and a very supportive environment. I want him to be happy that I lived my life the way it should be lived.
I don't mean hardcore parties or anything - but, really living to my full potential. Being happy and making others happy - sharing my good fortunes and not losing myself in a world full of material.
Follow me and I'll hopefully inspire your own happiness.
Always&Forever - C.
Except, me. I decided to make my changes years ago. I decided life was not meant to be taken from the backseat of someone's path. It came from leaving the life I knew and realizing, it would never be the same.
It's the scariest thing to realize how real the world is. How ugly and brutal people can become. The choice becomes yours - swallow away in pity or live out loud.
This blog is to show you my ways of living out loud - and giving advice along the way.
My motto: When I meet God - I don't want him to be disappointed in me for the things I didn't do. He gave me the gift of great health, lots of creativity, and a very supportive environment. I want him to be happy that I lived my life the way it should be lived.
I don't mean hardcore parties or anything - but, really living to my full potential. Being happy and making others happy - sharing my good fortunes and not losing myself in a world full of material.
Follow me and I'll hopefully inspire your own happiness.
Always&Forever - C.
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